Get Strict and Make Life Simple

There are so many issues that come up with children. You think you have it together and then the children grow into a new stage which brings more and different issues!
Our prayer as parents is to get through all phases unscathed, the children and us!

There are so many young parents out there who really do not have a clue that in their household with children they (the parents) are the boss, and the parents set the rules.
Ruling by abuse can NEVER be tolerated, but rules that are set to get our children from infancy to adulthood must be designed by the parents.

Get Strict and Make Your Life Easier

Let me explain this by example.

Julie was a bright 12 year old who had very loving parents. At the ripe old age of 12 Julie went to the Dentist for her 6 month check-up and the Dentist had a talk with both parents. Julie needed braces. After a visit to the Orthodontist it was explained that this process would take about 2 years, and with Julie’s cooperation the teeth would be straight, and she would have a beautiful winning smile. Seemed simple enough.

In the beginning Julie was of course excited to get her braces, and followed the Orthodontist’s process for taking care of her teeth etc.

Well, after 2-1/2 years of this (Julie is now 15) Julie was not wearing her rubber bands on her braces. This of course meant that her teeth were not moving as they should have been. Therefore, since the paid contracted-for-fee had already been paid based on the 2 year agreement a new fee was initiated by the Orthodontist. The Orthodontist told them that if Julie did not begin to show progress soon that he would have to start charging $50 for additional office visits.

Julie’s parents did not want to pay any more for the braces, so they kept reminding Julie to wear her rubber bands, kept checking on her to make sure this was happening. They made “deals” with Julie, they punished Julie. Julie’s response to all of this was to get very stubborn and do a lot of arguing over the rubber bands, and of course she still did not use them.

The parents soon realized that they were taking on Julie’s problem as their own. They decided to give the problem to the rightful owner, Julie. At a quick meeting time with Julie, they told Julie that the rubber band issue was going to be completely dropped by them. No more reminders or questioning. BUT, any additional Orthodontist bills would become Julie’s responsibility to pay. Also, if any bills came Julie was restricted from activities outside of school until the bill was paid.

As you can figure from this, a bill did come. The parents put it on Julie’s bedroom dresser without saying a word. And, also as you can figure, Julie ignored the bill.
A couple of weeks later Julie asked if she could go to the school football game, and the parents without anger reminded her of her obligation to pay the orthodontist bill, and refused to allow her to go to the game.

Now, let me warn you, when you begin to say what you mean, and mean what you say you can expect really BAD reactions from your children. This is normal, so just expect it.

Julie cried and whined wanting to know just how she was supposed to pay for this bill, and could she do some jobs around the house. The parents told her that she would have to find a way outside of household chores to earn this money, and suggested babysitting. It took a few missed games, but Julie got the picture and made it work.

The lesson here is: Julie’s parents did not budge. They stood their ground, together, and made sure Julie took on this responsibility for herself. Yes, she did find a way to work this out, and yes, she did pay the Orthodontist out of her babysitting money.
Best part? She started to wear her bands and finally after 4 more months the braces came off.

Life can be so simple when a few things happen:

• Don’t want anything for your children more than they want it. You will lose every time.
• Deal with the children in a manner that is called “United Front”. If you are divorced try to get the other parent to aid this process, you are both still parents of this child.
• Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
• Stay calm. Go over the rules at a time of non confrontation.

Blessings to you all.

Children in Divorce "Weapon Of Choice"

I will often use this term when I write of children who find themselves with parents who divorce.

Weapon of choice is just what it implies, putting the children in a place of hurting the other parent.

The Holidays are a time when people get together for love, and the feeling of “family”.

Under age children are no exception to this desire, but there are divorced parents who decide to hurt their ex spouse by trying to turn the child against the other parent.

Let’s name some of the most popular. These are all written assuming there is no child abuse involved.

• Bad mouthing the other parent, or new spouse of the other parent.
• Refusing to allow the other parent to see the child
• Refusing the other parent to talk on the phone to the child.
• Misrepresenting the truth to the child.
• Putting the child in the situation of “messenger” to the other parent.
• Keeping important school papers from the other parent so important events are missed, or school communication is not allowed to both of you.
• Feeding the child lots of sugar and caffeine before a visit to the other parent to make the parent’s job more difficult.
• Keeping a child for yourself on important Holidays and events without thinking about the child’s feelings, or making special arrangements to share the child on that day even if it is your custody day.
• Sending the child to the other parent in “ratty clothes” expecting the child to return in better clothes.
• Asking the child to go through their things at the other parent’s house and “sneak” them to yours.
• Keeping the children away from their Grandparents.
• Talking about your child support (or lack of), or the other parents income to the child.

Do you see yourself in any of these situations?

Have a serious soul searching time with yourself or a good friend about these issues.

Your children have gone through Hell during your divorce. Their entire world has been shattered and changed, and they have absolutely no control.

God Bless, and please know, I do not advocate keeping together for the children. For parents who just cannot get along it is better not to live together or be married any more.
Divorce for children can bring some good changes. As a parent you may feel calmer and be nicer to spend time with in the eyes of your children. Please don’t try to take that away from the other parent.